I spent much of 2017 fighting. Fighting my situation, my circumstances, the world around me.
It wasn't what I planned. I just knew what would make me happy - I'd spent so much time picturing it and working toward it - and nothing had gone as I wanted. Just a few weeks ago, I left my cousin's wedding reception because I couldn't control my gasping and tears. A day filled with, "How's your job?" "Are you seeing anyone?" "How do you like Indy?" left me overcome by emotions. Paired with being around loved ones for the first time in months (in some cases, years!) and feeling extra doses of homesickness, I entered desolation. I wanted to be working at a small, liberal arts university. I wanted to be close to home. I wanted to be working with leadership programs, service initiatives, student government, and orientation. I wanted to be living among the cornfields. And I wanted to be well on my way to building a life outside of work with a partner at my side. Instead, I'm working at a large research institution. I'm four hours from home (I know, it could be MUCH worse). I'm working in programming (if I never planned another event in my life, there would be no love lost). I live among tall buildings and traffic. And I'm the most single I've been in ten years (yep, singleness has levels). Many would say at 23, I never should have expected to have all those things I wanted. Those who know me realize I have some work to do in the patience department. It wasn't what I planned, it wasn't what I wanted. And I fought every step of it. Every good thing - however big or small - I fought. It was easier to cast blame at everything around me than to admit to the good parts. I didn't love my job because I'd "been cheated:" there was so much "nonsense" I had to "deal with," so many other people causing "issues" for me, so many changes leaving me with things "I didn't sign up for." I ended up in the wrong geographical location at the wrong type of college in the wrong functional area because the job search was so "cruel" to me. These were my perceptions. These were the negative thoughts keeping me down. However, the reality is - I am exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing, surrounded by exactly who should be at my side. There were several small things I was coming to love. I just didn't want to accept that I was actually becoming content with a life so far from what I had pictured. These small things hit me like a landslide during my first week back to work after I was away for that wedding I left in tears. I had the best week on the job that I've had in six months. I felt fierce motivation; a quality that had always defined me as a person and as a professional, but had been missing for so long now. I laughed and smiled so much. I swelled with pride, as my students debriefed their semester and we reflected on how far they've come. I swelled with pride as I debriefed my semester and reflected on how far I've come. At work, I've been presented with so many challenges that have truly been opportunities in disguise. I've rarely been one to back down from a challenge - it just took a little longer than usual this time to start climbing those mountains. But with every issue, setback, and disappointment I've faced, I've become better. I've had to rethink, become more strategic, consider how to better motivate others, to lead better, and to stay focused on my purpose. I've learned, and I love learning. Truth be told, I'd be bored without these challenges. I'd be complacent. I'd fail to grow. And that just makes me feel icky. In my personal life, I've been just as challenged. I moved to a city with 864,711 people, with a population of people I knew being less than the number of fingers on a hand. While work helped me meet people, I also knew I needed friends outside of work. As a shy and introverted person, I also knew this would be tough. Yet, I've started to build some really great friendships outside of work. I've had to put myself out there, and it's proved more rewarding than I could have imagined. It's these friends that make Indy feel a little more like home, even when I'm feeling lonely. I'm also developing a strong appreciation for the control I have over my relationships, where the only people in my life are the ones who make it better. Instead of blaming everyone and everything for my unhappiness, I'm taking ownership of my attitude and creating my own happiness. I'm reminding myself to be grateful, because I know I've been granted so many opportunities and privileges that are not afforded to others. I'm developing more self-love, guided by the self-reflection that I am resilient, capable, and compassionate. Overall, 2017 has been the worst and the best all at the same time. But, if there's one thing I've learned from this year, it's been to make the most of where I'm at, to turn the bad things into good things, and to always - ALWAYS - stay focused on my purpose.
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Kristin KreherMy happiness comes from meaningful interactions, the outdoors, thrift shops, and saying "thank you." Archives
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